A Letter To Me, From Me

Dear 16-year-old me,
You're so close to graduating. The end is near, and even though it's been a hard journey, you've made it through. You are going to regret so many choices you've made in high school, whether it came to fashion or skipping classes, but you'll be glad it's over. You'll share some tears, not all of them your own. Be there for your closest friends. They are what keeps your world running.

Dear 17-year-old me,
Congrats on graduating! College is just around the corner, and it's not a beautiful ride. Be grateful for the little things, the small moments of happiness. Listen to your heart, please do, because you've got an amazing year ahead of you. One of your wildest dreams is about to come true, making up for all of the horrible times when you thought the world couldn't get any worse.

Dear 19-year-old me,
You think you're missing New York now, but you'll miss it more and more every day. Hold on to the memories, they're yours, and yours only. Contact with the friends you've made there will falter, but you'll always hold them in your heart. They are the reason you are who you are.
Attempt number two at college is close, and you'll excel, more than you've expected. You are capable of so much more than you think, so don't underestimate your talents. It's going to take hard work and many all-nighters, but your grades are certainly not complaining.

Photo © by mirako

Dear present me,
God, how you've grown in just a couple years. You're finally starting to find yourself, and feeling more at ease with life as the days pass. I'm proud of you.

Dear future me,
I hope that I have only continued to grow over the years. It's still such a long and terrifying journey, but I'm certain that I've gone through it step by step. I hope you've found comfort in your own body, your confidence, your voice. I hope you've stopped shutting yourself out. I hope you feel more like an open book. I hope you're continuing to educate yourself on important topics. I hope you've found love, this hopeless romantic will be looking up to you.

Love, Faith

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me, 

Black as the pit from pole to pole, 

I thank whatever gods may be 

For my unconquerable soul. 

In the fell clutch of circumstance 

I have not winced nor cried aloud. 

Under the bludgeonings of chance 

My head is bloody, but unbowed. 

Beyond this place of wrath and tears 

Looms but the Horror of the shade, 

And yet the menace of the years 

Finds and shall find me unafraid. 

It matters not how strait the gate, 

How charged with punishment the scroll, 

I am the master of my fate, 

I am the captain of my soul. 

– William Ernest Henley

I recently read a book which included a line of this poem. "I thank whatever gods may be for my unconquerable soul." It had spoken to me so much, I wrote it down in my notes app on my phone. I had forgotten about it for a while after that, until I rediscovered it today. I decided to Google it and found the full poem.

It sounds hopeful to me, and it's just what I need at the moment.

Love, Faith

Asian Representation

Happy Mid-Autumn Festival!

While munching on a moon cake, I felt that today is the perfect day to talk about two spectacular movies that came out last month starring Asian-American casts. You might have heard about them; Crazy Rich Asians and To All The Boys I've Loved Before.

I went to watch Crazy Rich Asians as soon as it was out with my sister and a bunch of my cousins. I had already seen a couple trailers and it lived up to my every expectation. Everything about it was incredible. I've shed happy and sad tears, and any movie that can get me to cry or laugh my heart out is a good movie to me.
The same goes for To All The Boys I've Loved Before, which I watched cozied up on the couch with my sister. I did not think I could love a teenage rom-com that much, but I watched it three days in a row after the first night, and I think that's saying enough.

Noah Centineo and Lana Condor in To All The Boys I've Loved Before

They were both amazing movies with different but equally incredible story lines, but the best part was obviously the amazing casts. It's really special to me to see the Asian-American community represented this way. It happens way too often in Hollywood that Asian actors get a secondary role at best, and even then, they're very often roles mocking or stereotyping Asians. Yet in both these movies, the leading roles were Asian. Not to mention that the entire cast of Crazy Rich Asians is Asian! That feels insane and it's such a huge accomplishment.

Michelle Yeoh, Henry Golding and Constance Wu in Crazy Rich Asians

It's very disconcerting to watch movies or shows while growing up and having to actively search for someone who looks alike. It sets a bad example, especially for young people. We don't find people in movies that look like us, so we can't relate to anyone. And we start to second-guess ourselves, we start to feel like we can't do as many things as others. We don't feel normal or comfortable in our own skin. We feel like outsiders. Then suddenly, we wonder, what if I looked like everybody else? What if I didn't come from wherever I come from?

As awful as it is, I have to admit that there have been times when I was younger that I wished I wasn't Chinese. I thought that being Chinese, or Asian for that matter, was holding me back from things that my peers didn't have any trouble with. I was always made fun of, ever since I was little. It was so damaging to my self-esteem. I really had to stomp it into my mind that I could do whatever I wanted, regardless of where I'm from or how I look like. It's taken me forever, but I've finally started to embrace being a person of colour. I think, if I had more people to look up to when I was younger, I could've been a more confident person today.

Constance Wu and Lana Condor, the two leads in the movies, have both grown up in the America and have both spoken out about this issue as well. They are definitely worth checking out if you have the time.

I loved Crazy Rich Asians so much, because it so accurately and unapologetically showed my culture. The food that I always eat, the language that I speak, albeit quite poorly. Even some songs were recognisable because my dad always used to play them. I felt giddy everytime I heard another one. And of course, the importance of Chinese families and the sometimes hectic atmosphere in them. It all felt very familiar and made me feel so at ease. I couldn't believe how well they portrayed it all.

Cast of Crazy Rich Asians

Even though To All The Boys I've Loved Before doesn't touch upon the Asian aspect as in-depth as CRA does, I know it was still important to sprinkle in some elements. In this article I read that Jenny Han, the author of the book, wanted to retain little touches like a rice cooker in the background of the kitchen and no shoes inside the house. It represents Westernised Asian families, which I can relate to all too well and it's refreshing to see this on screen.

Lana Condor and Jenny Han

These two movies have already received so much love, and it is all so well-deserved. Crazy Rich Asians should still be playing in theatres and is already confirmed for a sequel! To All The Boys I've Loved Before is on Netflix and is also rumored to have a sequel! Let's continue to give them love. We need more of this. We should continue to make these kind of movies and make casts of colour normal. Support the Asian community. Asian actors, Asian singers, Asian writers, you name it. Our voices have been suppressed for far too long. It's time to get loud.

Love, Faith

P.S. A TV show that is also definitely worth checking out is Fresh Off The Boat! It stars Constance Wu who plays a mother living with her Chinese family in America in the 1990s. It includes super fun and light humour and does an absolutely great job of representing Chinese families.

Getting Better

Hi guys,

Since the last book I'd read spoke about anxiety, it's given me inspitation to write about my experience regarding my mental health and how I've dealt with it for the past couple years.

I've briefly told a version of this story before in another post here, but this one will go into a bit more detail. It's going to be a bit of a long one.

I believe that my mental health started to rapidly decline when I was about 14 or 15, only a few years ago. My first years of secondary school went great, I'd made few but very close and sweet friends, my grades were excellent, and I was genuinely happy. But at one point, my grades started falling, and so did my motivation. School started to become the worst thing imaginable and sometimes when I felt like I was going to lose it, I'd make excuses to skip classes. I seriously got lucky with my final exams, because I'd barely graduated. If I'd scored even a fraction lower, I wouldn't have made it and would have had to redo my last year. Given my already fragile state back then, I don't know if I would've been able to handle it.

Graduating secondary school actually came as quite a surprise to me, and since I was so focused on getting through all that, I'd never completely thought out what I'd do next. While being rejected by the college I originally signed up for, I tried applying for the next best thing, a college about a 40-minute bus ride away, which was simultaneously the closest one to home. I continued to live at my parents' because as a student, I didn't have to pay for bus fares anyway. Though my home situation wasn't doing too well either at that time. I regularly got into fights with my parents and they drove me crazier by the minute. I just couldn't stand to live with them anymore. The whole thing was one disaster waiting to happen.

So, with remaining stress from secondary school, stress from starting college, and pressure from my parents, I'd finally cracked.

I was having very frequent mental breakdowns and decided to drop out of college as soon as I could. I hadn't even lasted until Christmas. My coach was very understanding of the whole situation, so it was a relief to be fully honest with her. My parents on the other hand, weren't too thrilled.

I would spend month after month, day after day in bed, watching Friends with chocolate or a tub of ice cream, or simply just crying until my lungs gave in. I didn't know what I wanted to do, but all I knew was that there was no way I'd let myself suffer again.

Thankfully, I had a good friend nearby. On one of my darkest days - I'd just gotten into a huge fight with my mother - I'd called up my friend and asked her if we could hang out. She said yes straight away, no questions asked. It was weird how I could feel more at home at her place than at mine. Till' this day, almost two years later, she still has no idea why I'd come over so out of the blue. She's never asked either. One of these days I'm going to have to remind myself to let her know how much of a help she'd been.

Photo courtesy of Brandon Woelfel

Summer was slowly starting to creep in on me and I'd have to figure out what my next step would be. I just knew I couldn't go back to school anymore. I would've gone crazy if I actually had. And actually, a friend of mine inspired me to spend some time abroad. Away from my parents, away from responsibilities, away from my normal life for a while. With lots of persuasion, my parents allowed me to go. I think they also started to see that I couldn't go on anymore.

So after summer, I spent eight months in New York. Slowly, I noticed progress. It really felt as if a weight had lifted from my shoulders. It really helped to be surrounded by strangers, in a strange place. I could reinvent myself, and that's exactly what I did. I pushed myself to do things I never would've at home. At the end of my trip, I felt happier, healthier, and more sure of myself. I'm not saying that it completely 'cured' me, but my time in New York had certainly helped me open my eyes.

As I'm dealing with college again at the moment, I do notice the huge difference from now and two years ago. My first college experience was doomed from the start. I don't know how I thought I could've ever finished the study course when I never wanted it in the first place. Now, I'm only home on the weekends, which is very refreshing. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents, but they can get on my nerves very quickly. In addition, my grades have been great so far, and I haven't had any big setbacks yet.

I'm still not 100% better, and I seriously doubt it's possible to get to that point. I still find myself on days where I'm stressed and panicking, and I get flashbacks from those dark times. I always try not to let it eat at me. I remind myself that I've gone through a really bad time before, and I can do anything that life throws at me now.

I knew that I was starting to fall in love with life again when I didn't dread getting out of bed anymore. It truly is amazing what a little bit of time away can do for your mental health. It certainly helped crank mine up. And of course I know that not everybody is in a position to get far away. A great alternative is to find a place closeby to get away, even if it's just for a few hours to recharge. For me, currently, it's a nice little bookshop, not even too far from college.

I'm content, but I'm endlessly improving and creating myself.

Love, Faith

Sad Girls #BookClub

Hello everyone! Hope your February's going well so far.

I've just had a little break from school, allowing me some free time to read another new book, which I'll be talking about in this post. It's called Sad Girls and is written by Lang Leav. I'm so in awe of this one, it's already in my top three favourites.

The story's about a girl named Audrey, who told a lie about her classmate, Ana. Ana dies soon after. As a result, Audrey deals with anxiety and severe panic attacks. Things get even more complicated when she meets a new guy, and she's on the edge of breaking down completely.

Photo by me ©

Lang Leav has published books before this one, although those were collections of her poems. Sad Girls is her first novel. And let me just say, she truly outdid herself. The story was absolutely amazing. Easy to follow, interesting plot and very lively characters. My favourite thing was that Lang still managed to sound so poetic. It made every sentence, every paragraph so beautiful.

Even though the story was really good, it was really the anxiety part that spoke to me and prompted me to read this in the first place. It speaks about anxiety in a very real, raw way and there's absolutely no sugar coating to it. I'm so impressed at how well Lang has managed to put into words exactly how I've felt about anxiety.

Throughout the book, I came across a lot of helpful and insightful things about anxiety. One good example is when Audrey starts wearing a rubber band around her wrist. Every time she starts feeling anxious, she's supposed to pull the rubber back and let it snap against her skin. The slight sharp pain caused by it will snap her out of her own head and bring her back to reality, and therefore, should ease the anxiety.
I was so inspired by this that I've started to wear a rubber band myself. It's only been a few days so I haven't had to use it much yet, but it actually helps to know that it's there.

Whether you might be dealing with anxiety or not, I feel like this is a very good book to dedicate your time to either way. I'm not kidding when I say this is one of the best books I've ever read. It's absolutely worth the read.

Love, Faith