Living With Anxiety

Hi guys!

I'd like to touch on a subject that is close to my heart and that I relate to a lot, as I'm sure a lot of others do too. I suffer from a mental illness; anxiety, and then especially social anxiety. People tend to mix it up with being nervous, shy or reserved, but it's so much more complicated than that. I'll break it down for you as best as I can. Please note that everyone with anxiety experiences it in a different way, so not everyone will apply to it in the same way. This is just my story.

Anxiety involves constant overthinking and creating completely unlikely and ridiculous scenarios in my head, but it's hard to stop them. Except for the people that I'm closest with, which is a very small circle, I will always feel anxious around other people. My stress levels will reach an all time high and all I can think are things like; "Is my make-up / hair okay?" "Did I just laugh a little too loud?" "Why can't I think of something to say?" "Oh God, they must think I'm boring." And this list goes on and on with an endless number of insecurities that makes me want to lock myself up in my room forever and not interact with another person ever. Because I'm always that nervous around people, it means that conversations drain the energy out of me. After any social event, even if it's a small informal one, I can't think of anything but crawl right back into bed and sleep.

My anxiety gets worse when I'm alone especially. If I'm hanging around with friends or family, I can manage to zone out the rest of the world. Even though I still get a little anxious, it's still a huge relief to decrease the overthinking. However when I'm alone, I'm suddenly very aware of the fact that I'm alone. There's no one to distract me from my thoughts, so they start building up more and more. This is the reason why I don't like going out on my own.

When a group of people near me bursts into laughter, 9 out of 10 times I'm afraid they're laughing about me. I'm thinking this is because of early years of people openly judging me. I've been bullied and made fun of before, and it inevitably resulted into me trying to act as 'normal' as possible so I don't attract any attention, because that's the last thing I want. If I can just be quiet and blend into the crowd, I think people won't notice me.

Don't even get me started on giving any kind of presentations. I literally want to disappear whenever I'm standing in front of a class and all eyes are pierced on me. I lose my concentration to focus and I stumble over my own words, every single time. I've done dozens of presentations over the past few years and I've still not gotten over that fear. And do not tell me the "imagining everyone in their underwear" trick works, because it does not work for me. In my case, it feels as if I am the one in my underwear.

I think one of my worst habits that I have because of anxiety is that I lie, a lot. I lie to get out of any social events. I lie to not seem like a weirdo. I lie to teachers, to my parents, I even lie to friends. Close ones. It's just that my anxiety builds up and I panic, so I think of an excuse, any excuse. So far, it's never been anything too big or scandalous, but I hate myself for doing this all the time. It's exhausting, and yet I can't seem to stop. I really hope that one day I do.

I'm pretty sure I'm forgetting tons of other things right now, but I feel like I've summarized the main parts pretty well. It's hard for me to explain it in way so that other people can understand what I'm feeling.

Even though I'm aware that it's bad I'm not doing anything about my mental state professionally, like seeing a therapist, I've seen people writing amazing things about it online and it's helped me so far so good. But I'm afraid that one day my bucket will overflow. That one day that one tiny drop that falls into it is too much to carry and that I'll break down. I have seriously thought about going to seek professional help several times, but I would have to talk to my parents about it first. And trust me when I tell you that's going to be one long, tiring, frustrating conversation. I am thankful that I have people in my life that help and support me as much as they can, but they can only do so much. So I'm urging everyone else that struggles, please talk to someone you trust and do something about it. Mental health is something that gets overlooked far too often and it's just a shame.

"Sometimes the quiet ones are yelling on the inside." – Connor Franta

Stay strong always. You're not alone.

Love, Faith

The Meaning of City Dove

Hi everyone!

Time to reveal what 'city dove' really means. 

I can't take full credit for the name. It's actually a title from a song by Tori Kelly. I fell in love with the song from the instant I listened to it and it's still close to my heart till' this day. I thought it was very unique so I wanted to know more about it. What was Tori's personal meaning of the song? I went into research and found a tweet of hers. It said: "we are destined for something greater than ourselves". Looking at the lyrics, this is obviously more of a figurative meaning. She's singing about not knowing what's to come in her life, but she will remain calm and confident. I aspire to have that kind of attitude towards life. I'm the stressiest person ever and I know that life is one big old black hole that I have no choice other than to step into. I know that I can't always have everything figured out and I will make mistakes while stumbling through it all, but that should be okay. That's life.

Listen to the song here: https://play.spotify.com/track/3gXi0k45yBjtKors1f7CO8

Even though I absolutely adore the meaning Tori has for her song, I also like to look at it in a more literal way. Travelling is one of my biggest passions and I see myself as a 'dove' flying from city to city. In a way, over time, the phrase has come to define me. It's now practically impossible for me to imagine a life without it. It doesn't matter how many years pass, I know that it will still mean as much to me in the future, if not more.

Photo is mine ©

A couple months ago I officially got 'CITY DOVE' branded on me! It's tiny but it's perfect and exactly what I've been dreaming about for almost two years. (Endless thanks to JK Kim, the tattoo artist who made this happen! Follow her on instagram: @jk.tat) I silently thank Tori everyday for creating a song that's become so special and important to me. Although I'd probably cry my eyes out, I truly hope that one day I can tell her in person.

Fly high,

Faith

Los Angeles Photo Diary

Hi everyone!

Let's be real, trips without parents or guardians are always the best. I love that feeling of utter and complete freedom. While I was staying in New York, my friend and I decided to explore the west coast of the USA. This was in April earlier this year, during our spring break. The weather was just warm enough to get out our dresses and shorts, but not too hot that we'd only want to lay under a fan all day. It was the perfect middleground. We were planning on doing a road trip first, but due to lack of money, we couldn't hire a car so we decided to just stay in L.A., which turned out to be just as great.

Los Angeles is a very lively city, and something that really stood out to me was how rich and poor areas blend together. I could've been walking in a business filled street, and then I'd turn a corner and suddenly I could feel it was unsafer somehow. It was slightly unsettling at times, but really interesting to experience at the same time. Nonetheless, everyone that I met there had been really nice. A big difference I noticed between Los Angeles and New York City is that people in L.A. find it much easier to speak up to you, whether it's to give you a compliment, to help you out when you're noticably struggling with something or even just to chat. Almost everyday, people would give us recommendations of places to eat, see and explore, from random strangers on the street to our Uber drivers.

Speaking of, it was the first time we started using Uber, and I think our feet would have been sore for a few weeks straight without. Take it from me that you might need an Uber to get anywhere in L.A., since everything is so far apart. However, it's obviously not the worst to take a hike now and then. Whether we were walking or in a car, I always took note of my surroundings. Pretty much everywhere I went, I'd see palm trees. I loved them and they made me feel like it was the middle of summer. After several months between New York's sky-high buildings, I loved the temporary switch to something a bit more raw.

Scroll through some of my favorite snaps I've made while we explored in and around the City of Angels, and read some more of my thoughts that I added to the captions!

Almost right across from Grand Central Market, you can find the Bradbury Building. A local saw us with our cameras and he was kind enough to recommend some nice places to photograph, including this one. You're free to go inside and roam around the ground floor. Up until you've reached the top of the first flight of stairs, you're not allowed in any further, but that shouldn't be too big a problem, as you can already see how beautiful the architecture inside is. With the matching tones of black and brown, the attention to details, and the way it was all naturally lit by a skylight, I could've stood there and admired it for hours.

Fun fact: Beverly Hills painted its fire hydrants silver because they didn't want to have the same looking ones as Los Angeles, since L.A. is perceived as poorer than them. A bit excessive, if you ask me.

My first time trying In-N-Out Burger! It was good, I can't deny that, but Shake Shack is better in my opinion. I guess living on the east coast left its mark on me.

The Griffith Observatory was probably by far one of my favorite spots we've visited. It's got gorgeous views of both the Hollywood sign and the L.A. skyline, but those aren't the only things to it. Inside, you can learn all about things related to space. I was, being a huge nerd for interesting facts, in absolute awe with the entire place. We spent most of our afternoon and evening there, and we even dined there. We saw an exhibition that explained how northern lights work and after sunset, we were allowed to look through a big telescope. That evening, we were able to see Jupiter. By that time, we were also witnessing the stunning skyline of Los Angeles at night. I couldn't take my eyes off of the sight, it was such a mesmerizing and beautiful view, my friend had to basically pull me away.

If you're ever in Universal Studios, do not skip out on the studio tour. It can take up to an hour, which admittedly is a tad long, but you can see sets from actual movies or TV shows, and that is just a once in a lifetime experience. My favorite; the set of The Grinch. 

All photos taken by either my friend or myself ©

Los Angeles had been one of my dream places to go for several years, and I'm so happy I've gotten the opportunity to cross it off my list. It's an entire world so different from what I'm used to, but I really do adore the vibe, the people, and the weather. I will definitely revisit whenever I get the chance again.

Love, Faith